Does retail store staff live their lives three months ahead of the rest of us? I only ask, because it seems the Halloween decorations have been out so long they’re not even interesting by the time I get around to thinking about vampires and princesses at my door.
I would not be shocked to see a St. Valentine’s day display tomorrow at my local big box mart.
I guess they call it planning ahead, but it seems like when they pull swimming suits off the hangers about the end of August that these people really have no idea what time of year it really is.
Actually, I am not much of a shopper. My job is to follow my wife around pushing carts as she flings bread or shoes into the basket. The other part of my retail job is finding her again when she sends me looking for mustard. She is never where I left her, or anywhere near there.
I have a theory that wives have a little room in the back of the store they rush to as soon as they send us on a fetch, and they’re all laughing at us on a video camera as husbands wander around seeking them. I think they serve cheese and wine in the wife room as a customer service, and they make bets on how long it takes for a husband to simply go to the parking lot and sit in the car to wait.
No wife will divulge this secret, for they are sworn to a code of silence in a pledge they take when they first visit a store.
Sometimes, they pop back into a distant aisle where might chance to find them again, but they always have the aroma of Zinfandel and sharp cheddar about them. You can tell they’ve been to the wife room that way.
At the end of this ordeal, you unload the groceries onto the checkout counter, reload them again after they’re plastic bagged, load them into the back of the SUV, drive them home, carry they all into the house, and vow to fake fatal illness the next time she wants to go shop.
Retail shopping is fun for me when we go to an antique store because sometimes I can find something similar to what I threw away long ago and have missed since. And, I like browsing about junk places where they have rusty old circular saw blades and rotting window panes.
I also love to go to the big hardware warehouses were I can spend hours learning new things about pouring concrete, check out the latest cool electric tools, or just sit and smell the fine scent of 10-foot 2x4s and cedar fencing.
I talked to the guys down at my favorite construction outlet the other day about setting up a room in the back with a video camera so when we bring our wives to the store, we can sneak off and drink Millers and eat potato chips as we watch them get lost in the paint section.
They said it was a bad idea because wives could smell the beer when we returned.